Probability Zero
by aloette
Summary: How Hunny, Haruhi, and Renge became involved together was beyond anyone’s imagination. Crack. One-shot.


A/N: A cracky Hunny x Renge x Haruhi one-shot.

* * *

It was Hunny who first ventured over to Renge's side, one day at the club. He appeared by her side, and the first thing Renge noticed was that Usa-chan was nowhere to be seen. She was about to comment when he spoke.

"Renge-chan," he began, "do you wanna eat cake with me?"

Hunny's invitations of having cake were known to be rare, and indeed they were: coming in few and far in between. There was a sort of esoteric feeling that was generated from the whole ordeal. Hordes of girls were known have a single desire in their Ouran education, and that was to gain this invitation of cake. Few received it; the hype continued.

(_"You had cake with Hunny-kun? Alone?" a girl would ask. "Oh my. What was it like?"_

_"The best feeling there could possibly be. It's like we're the only two people eating cake in the world!"_

_"Oh my goodness!"_)

Renge, of course, did not refuse his offer. She merely stood up from where she was sitting, not bothering to finish the homework due the next day.

He brought out his selection of cake, and even Renge had to gasp in awe of the scrumptious looking display. It ranged in variety, from chocolate cake to strawberry cake to chocolate-strawberry cake. He had it all.

Renge gulped. Hunny looked expectantly at her, and a few tables away, six hosts not-so-discreetly peered over at the two's isolated table. Their clients followed suit. "Choose," he chirped, not paying one bit of attention to the staring, "Renge-chan!" He held out his hand in a swooping gesture. He beamed.

"I'll take the strawberry then," she replied back weakly, which was strange because _Houshakuji Renge_ _never replied back weakly_. She swallowed nervously. Somehow, there seemed to be much tension in the air.

"Good!" he said, and as he brought the slice in front of her, he added, "Because _no one_ dislikes strawberry cake, right?" There was a change in his tone from exceedingly cheerful to dangerous, but though it struck Renge as strange, she decided to shrug it off.

He smiled at her, right then and there, and Renge found herself smiling back.

The cake session that followed was routine, more or less, and yet, Renge left Hunny's table feeling as if she'd just escaped from certain death. As she returned to the others, groups of girls crowded around her, demanding to know the details even though everyone had previously seen the scene with their very own eyes.

* * *

"I like you."

It was so sudden, that not even Renge could think of a reply.

"So . . . do I," she managed.

"I," and Hunny looked at her in such a devious way. He held out for her hand, and Renge obliged. He tightened his grip. "You're very cute," he finally said. "I like that in a girl. If you know what I mean."

"I . . ." Renge, it seemed, was unable to finish a coherent sentence. "I . . ."

"I can wait," he said, seeing how she wasn't going to be doing so anytime soon. "Just so you know." Then he tilted his head up in a slight angle, shot an extremely sly look at her, and added, "But you also know that I don't do this for everyone . . . right?"

"Huh?"

"Bye, Renge-chan!" He happily replied as the conversation was cut then; switching back into his loli-shota character, he left her standing in the hallway like a complete imbecile.

For the first time in her life, even Renge was unsure of what to make of the situation. So shocked was she that she was even unable to concoct long-shot theories to the meaning of this; this, to Renge, was a foreboding sign of what might come to follow.

* * *

"I'm not quite sure what to do, Haruhi-kun." Renge found herself spilling her secrets the following day to the natural rookie. "What do you think?"

"Hunny-senpai said that?" Haruhi sounded incredulous.

"Yes! Word for word!"

"Oh." Haruhi shrugged her shoulders. "So . . . he wants you to eat cake with him more often?"

"No, no, no! Haruhi-kun!"

"What?"

"Don't you see?" Renge latched herself to Haruhi, who futilely struggled. "The undertones! Haruhi-kun, do you see the _undertones_?"

"What undertones?"

"The undertones of his implication!"

"What implication?"

Renge nearly blew a vein at this. "Haruhi-kun!" she gasped. "Do you not understand?"

"Well, truthfully, no," Haruhi replied, trying seating herself up, but failing miserably. "Then again, I'm not too sure why we're here in a broom closet to begin with."

The brunette's eyes gleamed. "Haruhi-kun! This is a _doki-doki _situation! For sure! _Atmosphere _leads to _heart-pounding_ situations! Do you not know?"

Haruhi did not.

"Anyhow, you must come with me," she cried, shaking Haruhi around like a rag doll found on whimsical Sunday at a commoner's marketplace.

"Wait – to where?" And as Haruhi was dragged off, out of the broom closet, out of the school, she began to wish that she had brought her grocery list along with her. She had not memorized it beforehand, and she berated herself mentally for not doing so.

* * *

How Hunny, Haruhi, and Renge became involved together was beyond anyone's imagination.

"_Hunny-senpai_?" Tamaki asked, or, more like, whined. "_Haruhiiiii_…"

"Don't ask, senpai," she said, with a shrug. "I really don't know."

"We're very happy," Hunny supplied, "aren't we, Haruhi?"

"Er, yeah. I suppose. . ."

"And Renge is too!" Renge said, because she had always wanted to refer to herself in third-person. "Renge is so pleased. Renge has so much inspiration now for doujinshi." Her eyes glazed over.

Tamaki took this as a suspicious statement. "W-what? What are you three doing? I-it'd better not be anything _sordid_!"

"What are you talking about?" Haruhi innocently asked, and this was where Hunny came in.

"Nothing! Just us and cake and lots of whipped cream!" His smile was contagious. Tamaki brought forth a forced smile of his own.

"Then let Daddy join in!"

"Sorry, Tama-chan," and Hunny held onto Haruhi's hand, "but it's just us."

"You've left out even_ Mori-senpai_?"

Hunny shrugged. "Takashi can join us any time he wants. He hasn't yet though. It's his choice."

Mori stoically looked on.

Tamaki nearly fainted at the undertone of his implication, whatever that meant. And Hunny took that time to lead Haruhi out of the Third Music Room with Renge following soon after.

* * *

Hunny raced to the wardrobe, and within five milliseconds, brought back five articles of clothing. He dropped it on his bed. "Here!" he said. "Haru-chan! Pick one to wear!"

"What?"

"You heard him," Renge said. "Choose one. If you don't like any of them, I'm sure Hunny-senpai can accommodate, right?"

He nodded. "Yep!"

"So," they both turned towards Haruhi, and so similar were their expressions that she involuntarily squirmed, "pick."

It sounded very much like an order.

"But . . . they're all _dresses_. Or_ . . . bikinis_."

"Renge wanted to see you cross-dress!" Hunny said, not breaking the secret of Haruhi's secret. "'Cause I told her that you looked really cute in girl-clothes!"

"And how could I not believe Hunny-senpai's word?" Renge added; her eyelashes were dashed with tears of emotion. "I absolutely _had_ to see this."

"Er . . . well . . ."

Haruhi looked at Hunny, thinking that personally, she didn't really care, but wasn't Renge NOT supposed to know about her gender?

"Well . . ." The two looked at her expectantly, leaning in rather closely.

"There's so many choices to choose from, Haruhi-kun," Renge said. "Oh! This dress is so pretty! Where did Hunny-senpai find this?"

"My mother bought it when I was younger!"

"Oh, how _cute_!"

Haruhi wondered, somewhere in that jumbled conversation, why Hunny's mother had even bought her _son _a _dress_ in the first place. But she decided that she really didn't want to know.

"Haruhi-kun!"

"Haru-chan!"

"Pick already," Renge said.

"Or we can do it for you!" Hunny finished.

Their synchronization was done so well that Haruhi fought the urge to applaud them. They reminded her of the twins. Then she wondered: when had Hunny and Renge become so close?

The answer was simple. "No," said Haruhi.

But Renge and Hunny looked to each other and gave that silent look of agreement to the other. Then they turned towards Haruhi, who looked a tad paler now, and they jumped her.

Literally.

How Hunny, Haruhi, and Renge became so close to each other was beyond anyone's imagination. The difference now was that Haruhi, perhaps, didn't mind as much. But that might have had something to do with the shipment of ootoro that diligently came in every Tuesday.

END


End file.
